Posted in:Date Coaching Advice for Guys

Approach Anxiety

To masturbate or to not masturbate is the question… If you suffer from approach anxiety and you do not follow my advice below your hand will be your lover forever. I say that to say this, to learn how to control your approach anxiety you have to approach the problem head on by combating what happens as you feel the anxiety coming on. What do you mean Sam Lee? Let’s start with breaking down what approach anxiety is. How to control your approach anxiety

Anxiety- It is the subjectively unpleasant feelings of dread over something unlikely to happen, such as the feeling of imminent death. (Wiki)

So to start anxiety is a real emotion created by the mind. You have to understand that there is no actual cure for approach anxiety. Unfortunately, there is no cure for any type of anxiety. Medication, cognitive- behavioral training therapy and coaching can control your anxiety to make it not affect you as much. So all hope is not lost friend.

Even as a date coach I suffer from approach anxiety from time to time. Yes ME! So I can feel where you and my clients are coming from when they say I want to meet more women but I cannot because I have uncontrollable feelings of anxiety. Approaching strangers and not knowing the outcome produces the unpleasant feelings of dread. What I have found, you can control the symptoms of approach anxiety if recognize what is actually happening during the anxiety episode.

Related: How to create Pickup Lines the Easy Way

How to control approach anxiety effects

Recognize the physical effects you encounter when you have the opportunity to approach a woman. Do you sweat, lose your words, speak loudly, make odd facial gestures or speak to fast? I tell my clients to create a list of physical effects during this encounter. By understanding what is physically happening you can work on controlling those effects.

Example #1:

My heart would race and thump so loudly in my chest before I would approach a woman. So know that I recognized that physical reaction I would focus on my breathing. Breathing affects your heart rate. By focusing on taking deeper breaths caused my heart rate to slow long enough to walk over and approach her.

Example #2:

Being nervous and not knowing what to say to a girl I just met would cause me to speak very quickly and mumble through my words. Again I took the same approach as example 1, I started paying attention to the physical changes that would occur on the approach. I focused on what I said next. I would completely listen to what she said to a comment or question I asked here. I LISTENED! Then I took my time with a response. (Not an awkwardly pause) I would take a breath and respond directly to what she said. I did not try to think outside the box, be clever or witty. I wanted to master the goal of controlling my speech and voice inflections.

Example #3:

Using body language that promotes guarding yourself off is a HUGE no no… Well I did that! I would cross my arms, put hands in my pockets, cover my mouth as I would talk or smile. I always wanted to show women on an approach that I was not a weirdo and I was confident and secure. This body language I was presenting was due to my anxiety. So I would always make sure I used my hands when I spoke. I would never let then stop moving in some capacity even when she was talking.

Example #4:

Not actually going over to talk to her is a sure fire way to keep falling in love with you hand. You have to actually walk over and make contact. This was a major problem! So I would make the first step towards her until I was in her area. And then I would make my move… A little creepy at first but it was not about the results then, it was about controlling my physical reactions to the anxiety.

Take the first step!
Dealing with on the physical effects that are caused by approach anxiety one by one was and is the only way to control them. Now you ask… Well Sam Lee what about the thoughts of rejection and dread. Well I am glad you asked.

Related: 12 Things to Never Say to a Woman on a Set or Approach

How to change your thoughts that stops you from approaching a girl

Affirmations… Yes talking to yourself works and it does make you look crazy at times. Negative thoughts of being rejected causes you to doubt the idea of walking over to her and then you are guaranteed a NO! Focus on the thoughts that flood your mind before you have the opportunity to approach another woman. Create that list and then create affirmations to combat those feelings and negative subconscious thoughts.

Examples #1

Negative thought: “She is going to tell me no to giving me her phone number.”
Affirmation: “She is going to say yes to giving me her number and be very excepting to my advances and conversation because I am the F(bomb)-ing Man!”

Example #2

Negative thought: “She is going to not talk to me and completely ignore me.”
Affirmation: “She is crazy not to want to talk to me, I am the F(bomb)-ing Man!”

Example #3

Negative thought: People will over hear me get rejected and I will be embarrassed.
Affirmation: “F(bomb) them, they wish they could be as cool as me and approach this smoking hot chick! They gone learn today!” (Honestly this is a big problem if you want to approach women because there are typically people always around. The great thing is, most people don’t care and they wish they had balls like you)

So you see I have a love for the F(bomb). It gets me pump… It is my best friend. You have to find what gets you pumped to follow through. Imagine if you never combat those negative thoughts with anything positive and that motivates you to talk to a girl? You will never make that approach!

Caffeine is not your buddy

Okay so now that we laid down the physical and mental affects related to approach anxiety let’s talk about preparing for the approach. Do not drink or in take caffeine, chocolate or energy drinks. It helps enhance the physical effects of your approach anxiety. I read that on WebMD, so trust me on that because doctors wrote it and it is on the internet!

Understanding the flow of the conversation

Now I am the last guy to ever tell you or my clients to use canned material. And I am not condoning it now, but you have to have a basic conversation outline and flow chart! Most of my clients say they get anxiety because they don’t know how to close the deal. So I have solved that with a word by… Alec Balwin!!!

I am a sales person and marketer at heart! So I love the movie Glen Gary Glen Ross and the famous clip of Alec Balwin when he gave us sales guys the secret to selling people. AIDA ( Attention Interest Decision Action)and ABC (Always be Closing). As a side note you do know you are selling YOU on an approach, right? You are selling her that you are then type of man she wants in her life. If you did not know that… Well, we have some work to do!

The breaking down of AIDA and ABC, how it affects you

A- You have to get her attention. Meaning you have do to or say something to let her know you want to speak with her.
I- You have to build rapport and get her interested in you. You have to make her want to say yes to your asking her out or for a phone number.
D- A decision must be made by her to give up the digits or to agree to a meet up.
A- You have to take action and ask for the phone number or follow up information.
You have to follow these steps in order to close any deal! If you miss one you can bet you will not get the number.

Now speaking of Closing
A– Always
B– Be

Close, you have to always be closing her from the moment you step up to the plate. Everything you say is to close her on you! All bantering and conversations should be geared towards getting the phone number. You have to also understand it might not take 20-30 minutes to close the deal. It might take 1 minute and she has made the decision to say yes when you ask the phone number or follow up information. Recognize that if you over build interest you could lose the chance to close the deal!

Fellas, I have given you the guide of your dreams to controlling that damn approach anxiety! It works if you work it. Now to wrap this up, remember:

  • Focus and control your physical changes when you feel the approach anxiety
  • Speak with positive affirmations to combat your negative thoughts
  • And be prepared to have a conversation with meaning and an action to close

Related: 10 Things Women Want To Hear

I am a successful dating coach and entrepreneur located in Orlando, FL. I have helped thousands of people change their dating life through my blogs, classes and my one on one date coaching sessions. My date coaching sessions consist of face-to-face, Skype and phone consultations. If you have any questions about me or about my services please feel free to ask! Remember, I am your Mr. Date Coach.


  1. Leo
    January 28, 2017

    Leave a Reply

    How does getting her number make her like you? If you ask for her number and she gives it to you, it doesn’t mean she will probably date you….I have a bunch of girls’ numbers and it certainly helps but I think what’s most important is your conversations with her.

    • MrDateCoach
      December 28, 2017

      Leave a Reply

      You are right Leo. But, without some type of follow up information even if there are sparks you need a way to communicate. Your comment also leads me to believe you have this step mastered. Unfortunately, most of my clients and follows here have not mastered the step to getting the phone number.

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